Choosing Sides in Split Ups

What is your role as a friend when a close couple-friend breaks up or divorces? CNN.com ran an article today addressing this problem, primarily in the boyfriend/girlfriend break-up scenario. However, much of the advice applies to divorcing couples.

What should you do when you're friends with both parties? Where should your loyalties lie, and how can you avoid alienating either member of the couple? Sometimes distancing yourself from one or both until tension eases is a good solution. Sometimes buying the first round of drinks for the first-in line-first in time (a/k/a "I knew you first") friend is the trick. Whatever route you take, remember if there are children involved keep them protected. Make sure that any discussions regarding the other spouse/party is done outside the earshot (preferrably home) of the children.

Mediation: Good for the Family

In Polk County Iowa all litigants in family court, which include divorcing couples and couples in the middle of paternity, custody and support cases, must submit to mediation (unless they are able to resolve their case prior to the mediation deadline). In outlying counties either party may request mediation. Luckily, in Iowa, there are many excellent and experienced family law mediators.

In divorce and other family law mediations, a neutral facilitator will help you and your spouse (significant other) discuss needs and wants. The goal is to reach a mutually acceptable agreement without going to trial. The process is confidential. The majority of time the mediator is an attorney; however, effective mediators have other diverse backgrounds as well.

I am a huge advocate of mediation for the following reasons: Mediation is usually less expensive than a trial, preferred by judges, more satisfactory to the parties and fosters higher compliance. Most importantly, it allows both parties to retain control over case outcome.

Divorce and Credit Score

Daniel Clement, a NY divorce lawyer, recently published a good article on preserving your credit rating during a divorce. He reminds divorcing spouses that apportioning joint liability is not binding on a creditor; a creditor can attempt to collect the debt from either or both parties. Missed payments can have a deleteriuos affect on your credit score for years.

If you know a divorce is imminent, it may be wise to take action, as suggested by Mr. Clement, at least six months to a year before filing. This way, if and when problems start rearing their head, many issues will have already been resolved.

Bringing Children Around New Relationships

Recently, J. Benjamin Stevens, an attorney with the South Carolina firm of Stevens MacPhail posted a good blog on dating after divorce. Like Mr. Stevens points out, many of my divorce clients ask whether they can allow their child around a new boyfriend/girlfriend following a divorce.

While you may meet resistance from your new ex-spouse, having your child around a new girlfriend/boyfriend is permissible so long as s/he acts appropriately, doesn't have something in his/her past (such as a recent child abuse conviction) that is inappropriate, and the new person isn't there overnight. However, with respect to the latter, this may be more applicable in a new relationship before the child has time to adjust to the divorce and the parent's new relationship. There comes a point when overnights typically occur however, discretion and consideration for the child's feelings should be paramount.

Palimony - Cohabitants Not Entitled to Support

Once in a while an unmarried client meets with me to discuss whether s/he is entitled to the equivalent of alimony because of a recently ended long-term relationship. Often times the person invested in the family home, yet his/her name doesn't appear on its title, purchased furnishings, vehicles and other necessities to allow both parties an enjoyable lifestyle.

However, unlike New Jersey, where the New Jersey Court of Appeals Court recently issued a ruling awarding substantial palimony to a New Jersey woman, Iowa does not recognize such relief.

However, Iowa does recognize common law marriage (although the burden of proof is pretty tough). The fact pattern outlined in the New Jersey case may have been enough for an Iowa Court to find a common law marriage existed. The results are on a case-by-case basis.

Nonetheless, other remedies may be available to an Iowa resident in a similar fact pattern. Consult with your local family law practitioner to explore possibilities.

Divorce & Health Insurance

In this day and age one of the top concerns of divorcing spouses is health insurance coverage. Typically, one spouse carries the coverage making the other spouse dependent on the coverage. Since most employer-sponsored health coverage plans define a divorce as a "qualifying event" terminating coverage for the none-employee spouse, this is truly a concern.

Several options exists. First, the non-employee divorcing spouse should have 36 months of COBRA coverage available to him or her. This comes at a price though and the employer can assess the full cost of coverage, not just what the employee pays (which is usually subsidized by the employer) against the non-employee.

The other option is to ask the covered spouse to pay for COBRA coverage or pay a certain amount each month to cover the premiums. There are other options but these are the most common solutions. The Iowa Court of Appeals recently endorsed the aforementioned.

Other options exist. Contact a divorce attorney well-acquainted with Iowa divorce law.